Bummed that Monday Night Football has ended? Have no fear, The Bachelor is here. Yes, I’m serious. This show rules and I am not even the slightest bit ashamed to admit it. It’s the perfect trade-off for you, too. Your wife or girlfriend just surrendered her past 15 Monday nights so you can scream at the TV because you bet the over in the Chiefs-Chargers game in Mexico City. That 7,300ft altitude oozes Philly Rivers for 4 TDs, right? Wrong. Another 4th quarter comeback thwarted by an interception. Hello under and goodbye $150.

Now it’s her turn to yell at the TV when Pilot Pete picks Jessica, the Miami Dolphins cheerleader with the god-awful ombre hair instead of Megyn, the 3rd grade teacher who just got out of a long-distance relationship with her high school sweetheart because he was cheating on her with her best friend.

Power Ranking of Pilot Pete’s women LET’S GO

1. Victoria P.

Victoria P started off on a really bad note.  Actually, I take that back. Before the girls hop out of the limo to meet Pete, ABC will highlight a few of them by going to their hometown and getting footage of them. Daily activities, hanging with family, blah blah blah. Victoria P had a segment in this and we came to realize that she lost her dad at a young age and then her mom fell into a battle with drug addiction. Now, her mom is sober and a part of her life again, which is great to see. Ok, so she actually started off on a great note. Her life story really makes you want to root for her…..and then came the intro.  Her intro was asking Pete to do a “happy dance” because that’s what she does with her nieces when they’re scared/nervous. Shouts to Pete for going with the flow because I would have been weirded out by that move big time. We didn’t see too much of her during the cocktail party which is a really good sign (only the crazy girls get air-time during that). Obviously her and Pete had a solid convo because she was the first one to get a  rose during the rose ceremony. What does that mean? Probably not a whole lot, but it definitely means he likes her enough to where she’ll be around for a while. She also is deathly afraid of the spinny tea cup ride at Disneyland, but we’ll forget about that.

2. Kelley

Kelley was also among one of the girls that had an intro video with the camera crew at her hometown. We learn that she is an attorney working for her dad’s law firm along with like, 4 of her brothers. On top of that, she tells us that she met Peter once before while attending her friend’s wedding. They must have hit it off or something because big dog Pete was fired up to see her get out of the limo. Like Victoria P, we didn’t see a whole lot of her during the cocktail party (again, that’s a good sign) and she was the third girl to get a rose during the ceremony. On the group date, she won some lame obstacle course thing and was awarded a sunset flight with Pilot Pete at the wheel. Now it gets good and we get some real drama. After their flight, everyone headed back to the hotel for a cocktail party. Our girl Kelley committed the cardinal sin of “interrupting Pete after you’ve already had time with him”. I love when this happens. The girl just spent an hour alone with Pete and now wants to snag him from some poor girl who probably doesn’t even know his dog’s name yet. I love it. This is why I lock in every Monday at 8pm PST.  AND not only did she steal him once…she did it twice. So now the whole house pretty much hates her and we wait for one of the girls to complain to Pete that she’s a bully so he dumps her. In the end, Peter held no ill-will towards her interruptions because he gave her the group date rose.

3. Hannah Ann

Like the previous two girls, Hannah Ann was given a quick highlight at the beginning of the show. I’m not sure if any of you are familiar with Southern girls, but this right here is the final boss of Southern girls. Double first name? Check. 23 year old that wants to get married? Check. Low-budget model? Check.  Probably only on this show to get famous? Check. Wants to move to LA to pursue a career in acting? CHECK. Ok, I might’ve gone a bit too hard on her right there, so I’ll right the ship. She seems like a good girl, and definitely someone that I can see Pete taking all the way to the end. He lost his mind when he found out her parents had been married for 26 years (thought that was kind of a normal thing, but ok), and didn’t find it weird that Hannah Ann and her dad painted a picture for him..??? Maybe they’re actually perfect for each other. During the cocktail party, Hannah Ann stole the show, and had the first kiss with Pete (I’m sure Vegas had her at -140 to get the first kiss anyways). She interrupted a couple of the girls later on during the cocktail party which helped her spend the most time with Petey. Hannah Ann was the big winner of the night when she received the coveted first impression rose, therefore placing a giant target on her back.  

4. Madison

Again, Madison was a part of the group of contestants that had a camera crew do a short feature on her before she got out of the limo. I guess she leads a relatively boring life, because they really hammered down on her high school basketball career. This 4-time state champ is from Birmingham, Alabama and is 100% going to be the “virgin girl” this season. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but there’s one every season and Madison is this season’s. She got a decent chunk of camera time during the cocktail party, but didn’t raise any red flags (Crazy girls get camera time on night number one. You should know this by now). She was the second girl to receive a rose during the ceremony, so going along with my theory, she’ll be here for a few more weeks. Her and Hannah Ann are pretty much the exact same person, but if I’m Pete I would lean towards Madison. She definitely seems like the “less needy” of the two, but maybe I’m still reeling from my critique of Hannah Ann.

5. Sarah

This is my dark horse right here. I know nothing about this girl. Hardly even remember her from last night’s episode. But that’s good news. The girls who don’t get much attention on the first night are usually the only non-psychos. Love that outta you, Sarah. Don’t let this short paragraph fool you, this is my girl for the remainder of the season… or at least until she does something crazy during week 5 while on a date in Lima, Peru or something.

Honorable Mention:

Courtney

Courtney had a really bad entrance where she rode in on a tiny bike/plane thing. It kinda sucked, but she seems cool and also has some absolute cans…thank God this blog post is anonymous.